When I look in your eyes, I go crazy...

Here you go - two taken on your birthday, and one taken at work a week or two ago. :)

Something for your next visit - a song that I've always liked for just the song before now, but here lately it has been making me think of you for some reason. This is kind of another one that the lyrics really don't stand completely by themselves; it kind of needs the music as its punctuation.

Marillion - Waiting To Happen

I lie awake at night, listening to you sleeping
I hear the darkness breathe, and the rain against the window
After all this time...cynical and jaded
All the stones are diamonds, and all the blues are faded

Everything I've been through...all I've seen and heard
I've spent so much of my life in the spiritual third world
But you came and brought the rain here...

Something waiting to happen
Something learning to fly
We can talk without talking
From inside to inside
I have waited to feel this
For the whole of my life

We took ourselves apart, we talked about our faces
You said you didn't like yours...I said I disagree
And I keep the pieces separate; I clutch them in my coat
The jigsaw of an angel, I can do when I feel low...

From emptiness and dryness, the famine of our days
I watch the heavens open, and wash it all away
You came and brought the rain here...

Something waiting to happen
Something learning to fly
On the edge of exploding
Something warm and alive
Something waiting to happen
Anytime that you like
I have waited to feel this
For the whole of my life...

Right-click to download

Figured I'd give you an option for a better download copy of the song - I reduced the quality to get the filesize down for sending via email, but the quality definitely suffered in the process.

Toni Braxton - You're Makin Me High

And - I'm not sure I wanted to commit this to email...not even sure I want to commit it to here either, but I'm feeling like it's something I should explain a little better. Knowing that no matter how strong the overall connection, you still can't read my mind... :)

You said once awhile back that you hoped you would live up to my memories...and I don't think I really explained why I'm so certain that I have no expectations for you to live up to. Nor is it going to be easy to explain, being something that is way more on the subconscious level than the conscious, but I'll try - because I don't want you to feel some sort of sense of...I don't know, pressure?...maybe that's not the word I'm looking for, but close enough I suppose.

If I had to boil it down into the most simplistic terms I could find, I'd say it's the difference between what you do, and who you are. What you do is something under your control, but who you are is just who you are. If my desire was being driven by what you do, then yes - there could possibly be an expectation that could be left unmet. But it isn't, and it never was.

What sets me alight isn't what you do, or what I think you may do, or even potentially wish for you to do (I rarely think of anything in specific when it comes to you anyway...not sure I want to amplify on that here, but maybe I'll just say that I rarely have to think that far into it, <wink>). Nor was it ever. It is and always was just...you. And there aren't any words to capture the essence of that, but then again, I don't think I have to try too hard to explain that part of it to you either. I think you know it just the same.

I can look into your eyes, just in one of the photographs you've sent, and feel the heat all the way down to my toes. That doesn't carry any association of being rooted in memory or fantasy to me at all, it has the feeling of being quite firmly in the here and now. Which is pretty much what convinced me that trying to deny it to myself (or to you) was nothing more than an exercise in futility, <grin>.

In person, I don't see how that could change - partially because it's somewhat internal to me (something that you've always sparked in me, which is almost a feeling of something within me responding to something within you at far below the level of conscious awareness), and partially because it's not something that you can do or not do, it's something that just 'is'. And really, always has been.

There is only one way I could think of for that feeling to ever be less in person, now, than in photograph or memory either one - and that would be if I looked into your eyes and saw nothing; saw no hint of desire or feeling reflected back to me. A completely dispassionate gaze from you would cool my ardor pretty quickly, no matter what I feel for you inside - because if it isn't reciprocal, I wouldn't be able to sustain it.

But somehow, I just don't get the feeling that's likely to be the case... ;)

Whatever did or did not happen past that, as long as that connection still existed I could never be disappointed (a little frustrated, maybe, but not disappointed...and that kind of frustration is something we both already have to live with and always will anyway). And I don't even have to see you to know that the connection is still there - from which comes the certainty that there is nothing further to be lived up to. You already have lived up to it. :)

********************************************************************

Told you that I'd give you some excerpts if I ever dug out my journal again. I think you'll see now why it's a little easier for me to talk about this - because in some cases, I'd already talked about it in-depth, more than once even. Also these are only excerpts, you weren't the sole topic of any of these entries. But I doubt you wanted to hear about the mundanities of how much I hated my job, what was going on in my family at the time, or anecdotes about the cat, for example. Just thought I'd say that because after putting all this together and then reading back through it myself, even to me it reads like you were the only thing I ever wrote about (despite knowing that wasn't the case). So with that said, here you go:

You said: "I remember talking to Tiki in possibly the same conversation to which you refer. I do not remember what prompted it but I remember starting to say; But I thought we........ Then I thought but did not say; You are married you idiot."

Actually, I think I know what prompted it...

From my journal: "I had an interesting talk with Tiki. She told me that Barry had been asking questions about me; things like, was I seeing anyone else, anyone at the plant, did I break up with David for him, did I expect a serious relationship with him, shouldn't I be seeing someone more my own age?, etc. She basically told him that yes, I had seen some other people*, but (as she put it) who else at the plant would I be attracted to? She told him that she'd like to say that I broke up with David for him, but the reality was that we just didn't get along."

[*I'd guess that was the prompt. But I'm not sure who 'some other people' would be, there was only one, and that only happened after we'd started going months between visits (though there was a guy in Tech Services, Ray Sandage, who was downright stalking me, that Tiki also knew about...but she also knew I wasn't going to hook up with him under any circumstances, so surely she wasn't including him. I can't remember if I told you about that at the time, but this guy was calling me at home, driving by my apartment [he didn't know which one I lived in, but knew the street address from my phone listing], and generally trying every way he could think of to get me alone either at work or away from it). Seeing anyone else was never going to be anything more than on a strictly casual basis though, pretty much nothing more than an attempt to distract myself from getting too wrapped around the axle when it came to you. But it didn't work very well...and I also realized pretty quickly that anyone else was just going to suffer by comparison, be nothing but a poor substitute. And, I felt guilty. From my journal, when I put an end to it: "I feel like I'm being too dishonest, like I'm betraying Barry's trust in me. I know that's silly, because he doesn't expect me to be faithful - but I find that I want to be (and feel like I ought to be) anyway." So you weren't the only one who felt that way, and if thinking that way made you feel like you were an idiot, then I guess I was one right along with you, <grin>.

Heh, and it probably sounds to you like Tiki and I talked about you all the time, but really we didn't. Besides this, she told me the story I related to you earlier, which was coupled in with another about her telling you at lunch one day that she wanted some earrings for Christmas - both were told to me as examples when she said she'd been teasing you about me and I asked her in what way. She probably told me a few other anecdotal things, but not a lot in general. Oh, she did also tell me that you were getting divorced before you told me, and made me swear that I wouldn't tell you I knew. A promise I've kept until now, but I doubt she'd care that you know at this point...]

My reaction to hearing the questions - I've included it just because it's pretty illustrative of the confusion that I felt. I'm hesitant all the same, because I do *not* want you feeling the least bit bad about any of it - there's nothing to this that hasn't been healed over long before now. Just a peek into my thoughts at the time is all:

"I just don't know what to think about this. On the one hand, it almost sounds like he's trying to get out of this relationship without having to confront or hurt me. But on the other, he always seemed to care so much...and why would he be moving to a place not two miles from mine if he didn't want to continue seeing me?

I wish he would just come right out and tell me what's on his mind without all this beating around the bush. If I'm going to be heartbroken, for God's sake let's just get it out in the open so I can start getting over it. The not knowing is absolutely the worst."

And that was pretty much where and when I convinced myself that the end was coming, so I'd better get prepared for it. My next entry wasn't until a few weeks later [end of August]:

"I still have heard nothing from Barry, and am resigned to it. I got mad a couple of days ago and wrote him a letter, but I doubt I'll actually give it to him. [I didn't, just tore it up and threw it away. Don't have a clue now what it said, even in general.] Besides, he's never been able to resist [talking to me] when he sees me at work (guess it's easier to resist temptation when it's not around). I may be moving to second shift, and consequently we may be seeing each other on a daily basis. I think that all the ranting and raving in the world wouldn't be as effective as him seeing me, and me being as indifferent to him as I am to the rest of the engineers. Let him do the wondering for a change. And even if he doesn't, it will still help me forget about him. I'll treat him as though he never meant anything to me." [Ouch...damn. I didn't remember having said that or even particularly intending it, but I guess I can't wonder where you got that idea anymore.... :( ]

I did also make an entry on that last day (which was only a few days, maybe a week after the above), but that one (if you want to hear it) I can tell you in person - I don't need any memory aids for that particular day. Unfortunately. (We all have moments in our life that we wish we could re-do, and for me that day would have been one of them. Actually redoing that entire week would be good, not just that day...and the repercussions of the mishaps in the months that followed were like ripples in a pond that keep cycling back long after the event that caused them is over. And in that I don't mean just you - just that the choice to end it with you was the first in a series of really bad choices and subsequent bad events that kept echoing back to me even years later. I paid heavily for those poor choices, but then that's how you learn not to keep making them, <grin>. And I doubt I'd be where I am now if all that hadn't happened, so the end result was positive - but it was a dark time for certain. Still get a few returns now, in some cases - I still get the odd ripple from events of that time here and there, but that's a story for in person. At least now when they do come back, it causes only amusement on my part rather than pain.)

And in the spirit of balance - a few random good things from earlier:

From the first entry I wrote after deciding to start keeping a journal again. [Oct '88 ...begins after a general description of you and your circumstances]: "He told me that before we got together, he was beginning to wonder if he was unattractive*. Not hardly!! Definitely not as far as I'm concerned, anyway.

"...I find myself thinking about him a lot more than I should -- a lot more than I thought I would. I told myself at the beginning that this would only be a casual affair, but it's going a lot deeper than that, and it frightens me."

"...he came after me like it was pre-ordained, like all he had to do was go through the formality of it. He said and did some things that would have gotten him a slapped face, but for the fact that I wanted him just as badly."

[*this also happened to me in my own marriage, but that's a story for in-person. Different reason why, but the same result...in fact, probably worse when it's the man who isn't as interested...].

A few other random entries:

[Dec 1988]: "Got to be more careful, people at work have started noticing. Even Capt. French said something to Tiki about seeing me one day, laid back in my chair at the Console with an ear-to-ear grin [who, me, grinning like the cat who ate the canary? Never! <grin>], and wondering what the grin was for. Then he saw that Barry was standing in the Console, and he asked Tiki later if we were seeing each other. Tiki played stupid and said that we weren't, but I don't know if he bought it. But he can't be sure anyway, probably just thinks I have a crush on him or something." [another reason I'm glad that I had taken the risk and told her early on - otherwise, she probably would have said that she suspected the same rather than denying it...no fool, she.]

[Jan 1989]: "I find that the thought of Barry makes me happy. He called me at work Saturday night, and for the rest of the night I was in the best of moods. Even the maintenance guys noticed. Winson asked me if I was on drugs! I told him it was a 'natural high', which was the truth."

[Feb 1989]: "I talked to Barry for about an hour yesterday. He is better (from his surgery), but still a little numb and sore. He is worried that I'm not going to like the way he looks now, he says the surgery left a gap in his front teeth and he is afraid I won't find him as attractive. He doesn't seem to understand that it is him that I want; not his looks, nor his personality, or intelligence - but him, as a whole. He was also afraid that I wanted to stop seeing him altogether, [because I was starting school] but I reassured him that was not the case."

And then a few of the mentions from later journals...

July, 1993 (I was on a detachment to Patuxent River, MD at the time): "I still think about Barry a lot. I wonder if he ever does the same? Last I heard he was still at Sematech in Austin. I kick myself every time I think about how that ended. Oh well, you can only be so stupid once..."

June 1998 (I only wrote one or maybe two entries in the years between these two - kind of hard to keep a journal when you're deployed all the time):"The only one, really, that I haven't heard from, that I'd like to, is Barry. He's got an address listed in Austin, and somebody told me that he'd gotten married. I had the strangest dream about him a couple of months ago [the one I told you already] and it is still haunting me. It's been 9 years or so - why now? Why him? I guess we've always had a special connection. I do still wonder what would have happened, though..." [if we had continued seeing each other].

July 1998: Got an email from RC Stockbridge, told him to tell everyone 'hi' for me. I doubt the word will get back to the one I most want to hear it, though. I don't think Barry maintains any connections with anyone there anymore.

Nov 1998: Still thinking about Barry. I think he's moved to Oregon now, don't know when. Wish I could get in touch with him, would love to know how he's doing. And I want to know what the heck happened, what was going on in his mind then. I still want to know the significance of that dream as well...it was just too real to forget about.

And for the last one, I'll go back to the original journal, from late January 89:
"I saw Barry today, and it was fantastic as usual. I wonder if he's beginning to feel the same as I do, or if he even knows how I feel? It's been four months now...There is a song that I've heard many times that I've never thought twice about until now - it seems to express everything that I feel about him, how we got together, everything. [And for a change, it's probably one you know as well, <grin>. Though you may not recognize it without the music...]

All it took was a special look
And I felt I knew you before
I didn't mean to love you, didn't think it would work out
But I knew we would be together
And I couldn't wait for more
What can they say, it's not against the law...

I don't hold you down
And maybe that's why you're around
But if I'm the one you love
Think about me...

I believe that you really want me
But it's not easy, just to give in
So let yourself go, and let love begin...

That says it all. I just wish I could tell him that without scaring him away. The first verse is especially relevant - I did, and still do, get this eerie feeling like I've been his lover in another life. We have just been so comfortable right from the beginning, like we've always been together. I really never thought that I would fall for him, because I thought we were too different. But even so, I knew from that first touch in the Console (even before then, but I wasn't sure until then) that we'd get together, somehow. It's just so crazy!"

******************

There's more, but the rest pretty much falls into one of three categories: either really needs to be said in person, is fairly trivial, or else has the potential to cause undue frustration. ;)

And seriously, no worries of an imbalance in exchange of thoughts, here - and that isn't a protest, either. Much of this is something that I've wanted to do for a very long time, and I believe I'm getting as much benefit out of the telling as you are in the hearing (reading?). It has always bothered me that I kept all of this to myself, things I should have said but didn't, (ashamedly) only because I was too afraid to. [And I did recognize the irony in ranting about you not telling me what was on your mind, when I certainly wasn't telling you what was on mine. But I only saw that in retrospect, not at the time.] Still am afraid to in some ways, but at the same time I always said that if I ever had the chance to talk with you again, I wasn't going to let it pass. And if I regretted it that much the first time, how much more so if I chickened out at a second opportunity...? You had a right to know all this even then, and telling you now is sort of a righting of wrongs for me. Or at the very least a sort of setting the record straight. Because even now when it really doesn't matter, it still matters - if that makes sense. :)

I guess that last bit kind of relates to one of my favorite quotes from Richard Bach's Illusions - "You're always free to change your mind and choose a different future, or a different past." The first time I ever read that, I went Huh?? Choose a different future, sure, but a different past? How would you do that? It wasn't until much later that I realized that while you can't alter the events (of the past) themselves, you certainly can alter your perception of them - how you feel about them, what you elect to take away from them. And ultimately, that can result in choosing a 'different' past - whether purposely, by choosing to feel differently about it (focusing on the positive vs. the negative, for example), or by accident, learning things (whether from within or without) that end up casting those events in a different light than the one you'd always viewed them under previously.

All right, it's late and past time I was in bed. Heh...and here's something you may find amusing, and that only dawned on me recently, myself (from a conversation at work about the relative ages of one's furniture/appliances)...

...it's the same bed. ;)

[never let it be said that I don't get my money's worth out of things...but actually, it isn't as 'old' as its real age, because it was new when I moved into that apartment, but after that went unused for a whole lot of years. It was going unused at my mom's for my first two years in the Navy, then got put into storage until I moved out of the barracks in Hawaii. I went on deployment again not long after that, and once back from that deployment, my boyfriend-then-husband moved in and it immediately became the guest bed (still going unused). Only when I got to P'cola did I actually start using it again, and while I'd like to have a new one (it's only a double), there isn't room in this tiny house for anything larger. But no wonder I was having such realistic dreams...<grin>]

Oh, and I don't want to leave you with the idea in any of this that I'm somewhere less than grounded in reality, then or now. I knew even then that we had had no interaction in the 'real' world, that the irritations of regular life were not intruding and that neither of us ever really had a chance to discover much in the way of less-than-perfect things about the other. Who knows, we might not have gotten along at all if together all the time - I am not the easiest person to live with sometimes, being passionate about everything, and more than a little hard-headed also (both of which can be a benefit in some situations, and a liability in others). But what we would have been or would be like in the real world is something we will never know anyway (though my impression is that we'd probably have gotten along pretty well, with a few spectacular disagreements (followed by a few equally spectacular makeups) thrown in here and there. And I learned that having a few fights isn't nearly as bad as not having any at all, which was pretty much the story of my marriage. Never disagreeing is kind of dull, it leaves one with the impression that the other person doesn't care a whole lot about anything. Besides, I need someone who isn't afraid to tell me when I'm full of it, and sometimes I need to be put in my place every now and then too. Even though I'll rarely admit that to anyone. A little humbling is good for all but the most passive of souls, and passive I certainly am not, <grin>). So in a way, whatever the reality would have been is fairly immaterial because it's never actually going to have much chance to surface...which is why I haven't mentioned it. But I did want you to know I was well aware of it all the same, that the lack of mention wasn't due to ignorance of it or blind rejection of it either one.

******************************************

(moved over from the other page, with a little added on...)

You are the only person from my past (and indeed, probably the only person at all) who could possibly have threatened that in any way, and as such I'm glad you're not single - that would be truly agonizing, even though I know already that I couldn't leave the relationship I'm in. I must admit that even while being on cloud nine after finding you, at the same time I wasn't particularly enchanted with Fate for waiting to bring you back at this particular point in my life, when for so many years I have wanted to hear from you and was either not dating at all, or not dating anyone too seriously. But if you had also been single...oh, that would have been gut-wrenching without a doubt.

In relating all this, I guess I'm wanting you to know a couple of things. One is that I'm fully aware that both of us have the majority of our hearts given to others, and I understand that about you because I understand it about myself also. No matter what may be said or done in the future, I wouldn't have any expectations of that to change on either of our parts. But at the same time, the part of my own heart and soul that I gave to you all those years ago is still yours, and will always be yours. Anything that is said or done now is just a continuation of that - it is nothing new, only a rediscovery and return of something that you have always had. And even if I never talked with you again, I'd still be glad that at least you do now have some idea of what you meant to me.

--------------------

[*From above - the site is www.melitasite.com if you don't want to have to go hunt the link down. And you will also see some proof there of what I meant by someone's physical shape being irrelevant to me - because Tony has also gained quite a bit of weight in the time between, and it hasn't made any difference to me at all. But chemistry between two people is one of those things that just can't be quantified, and it exists completely independently of what most people would deem physical attractiveness. If you have that chemistry with someone, it's always there and time doesn't erase it - and if you don't, you can't manufacture it no matter how (otherwise) physically attractive the person is.

And that kind of chemistry is one thing I both hope and also fear still exists when it comes to seeing you again in person. I strongly suspect that the sparks are going to fly every bit as much as they ever did. And if that happens, I fear that I won't be any more inclined to want to resist it now than I was inclined to resist it the first time. I don't think that either of us has any particular desire to cheat...but damn, Barry - I'm not sure I can actually see you, in person, and not completely forget about everything and everyone else, even if only for a little while. I don't think I can look into your eyes and not want to get lost in them, not want to touch your face, not want to hold you...kiss you...make love with you...

...Oh, I do fear that is going to prove to be very difficult, indeed.

And I suspect that you may have the same mixture of hope and fear; and I don't know what the right answer is for either of us. I do want to see you again, very much, and I actually would be satisfied just to talk with you - but at the same time, I'd be outright lying if I told you that you can count on me to be the voice of reason or the automatic braking system (if one is wanted). With anyone else it simply wouldn't be an issue, but with you...]

----------------

...and, to tack on a bit in the move from one page to another, continuing the thought...

There you are, looking just the same as you did last time I touched you
And here I am, close to getting tangled up inside the thought of you
Do you love him, as much as I love her
And will that love be strong, when old feelings start to stir...

Looks like we made it...left each other on the way to another love
Looks like we made it...or I thought so, until today
Until you were there...everywhere...and all I could taste was love the way we made it...

Love's so strange, playing hide-and-seek with hearts, and always hurting
And we're the fools...standing close enough to touch those burning memories
And if I hold you, for the sake of all those times love made us lose our minds...
...Could I ever let you go...?

I just don't know what it is about you. Even after all this time, you still have the power to absolutely drive me to distraction...it's probably a good thing that you never knew (and really still don't, even now) how much. ;)

I do wonder what it is, that keeps us in this state. The first time, we could both have said that we were just unhappy and found solace in the other - but that doesn't apply now. I'm happy - and yet, despite being perfectly content with what I have, I am still so drawn to you that it's unreal. If anything, in some ways it's even stronger now than it was the first time. And if you can do this to me with just a photo and a few emails...I don't think I have any illusions left about what effect seeing you in person is going to have on me.

...Not that I probably needed to say any of this though, I'm sure you already suspected as much... ;)

And even the most likely explanation still doesn't resonate true enough for me to believe that it's the reason I can't forget nor maintain any sense of detachment when it comes to you (the explanation being that it's just because it ended but was never really over). I couldn't say what it is - but at the same time, I can't deny its existence, either. Though I have tried a few times, before and since.

You know, you'd think that by now I'd have given up trying to analyze any of this, because none of it has ever made any sort of sense. Nor ever been explainable even in the broadest of terms. We saw each other, what, less than 20 times away from work, and probably not much more than that at work...we haven't spoken in nearly two decades, nor even laid eyes on one another in nearly that long...we have been through several life-changing events in the time between, both bad and good...and yet, it would seem that nothing has changed. At all.

And I do get impatient at times, <grin>. And this kind of patience is something I haven't had to exercise in a long time. This is the age I think I always wanted to be, because I knew that it would be a time that very little would be beyond my grasp (for long, anyway). Being young has its good points, but I wouldn't go back even if I could - because there was so much then that I wanted but could not have (some material, and some not), and it was frustrating. I'd forgotten how frustrating it could be, to have to wait for something and know that there isn't anything you can do that will bring it closer... ;)

This came up on my randomized playlist the other day...it has always reminded me of you a bit in the past, but in some ways it seems even more fitting now than before:

Pink Floyd - One Slip

A restless eye, across a weary room
A glazed look, and I was on the road to ruin
The music played and played, as we whirled without end
No hint, no word...her honor to defend

..."I will, I will...", she sighed, to my request
Then she tossed her mane, while my resolve was put to the test
Then, drowned in desire, our souls on fire
I led the way to the funeral pyre
Without a thought for the consequence
I gave in to my decadence...

One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
A momentary lapse of reason, that binds a life - for life
A small regret, you won't forget
There'll be no sleep in here tonight...

Was it love, or was it the idea of being in love?
Or was it the hand of fate, that seemed to fit just like a glove?
The moments slipped by, and soon the seeds were sown
The year grew late, and neither one wanted to remain alone...

One slip, and down the hole we fall
It seems to take no time at all
A momentary lapse of reason, that binds a life to a life
The one regret, you will never forget
There'll be no sleep in here tonight...

Right-click to download

...A momentary lapse of reason, that binds a life for life ...in retrospect, that does seem to be a pretty apt description, doesn't it? Though I have to say that my small regret would have been not having had the chance to spend a night without sleep... ;)

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Niamh Parsons - Clohinne Winds

The shadows fell across the room, as I lay down to rest
A storm was raging, deep inside my head
I fell into a restless sleep, of crazy changing dreams
But woke to find you standing by my bed

Clohinne winds were blowing, when you called me
First you spoke my name, your voice was still the same
You beckoned me
And I arose to follow where you led
Out among the wild Clohinne hills...

The mountain mist had lent an eerie whiteness to the hill
The silver spider threadings caught my face
You darted through the bracken, trailing stardust in your wake
I knew you'd stop beside our sacred place...

Clohinne winds were blowing, when you called me
First you spoke my name, your voice was still the same
You beckoned me
And I arose to follow where you led
Out among the wild Clohinne hills...

You stopped upon the fairy hill, beneath the hawthorne tree
I thought I heard a lonely banshee wail
You held your hand towards me, and I reached to touch your face
But woke to find that you were just a dream...

Clohinne winds were blowing, when you called me
First you spoke my name, your voice was still the same
You beckoned me
And I arose to follow where you led
Out among the wild Clohinne hills...

The years have passed, and I am growing weary of this earth
The magic of the dream eludes me still
I've lain beneath the fairy tree, I've shouted to the moon
I am the haunted woman of the hill...

Clohinne winds were blowing, when you called me
First you spoke my name, your voice was still the same
You beckoned me
And I arose to follow where you led
Out among the wild Clohinne hills
Out among the wild Clohinne hills...

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(a beautiful song in its own right...and it does also somewhat express the mixture of joy, disappointment, and even frustration that those kinds of dreams can bring with them. I swear, I do have to wonder at times whether there is something more to those kinds of dreams than just simple imagery, though - do we actually go visiting other consciousnesses in our sleep sometimes?)

I know that a lot of things really need to wait for us to talk in person, but there probably are a few things I can tell you that wouldn't be likely to be misunderstood, or lose their impact for being written rather than spoken. Anything I'm relating here also isn't said to elicit a response, so no fear that I expect you to reply to it - you can if you like of course, but not expected.

Looking back on it now, it's almost funny how both of us seemed to have come away with the idea that the other one wasn't serious, that it was only casual. I can tell you where I got that impression myself - it started when you were asking me initially if I'd broken up with David for you. The answer to that contains a mixture of yes and no - no, in that it would have happened even if I hadn't met you. You probably accelerated the process a bit, but were not the full reason - same as I wasn't the reason in your case. The yes part is a multi-faceted answer...yes, because you showed me what I was missing; and yes, because I didn't want to have to be dishonest to him or anyone else either. I wanted to be free to see you whenever I could, being difficult enough as it was to find the time under the circumstances without having to work around two other relationships rather than just one.

But in the asking, you gave me the impression that you didn't want the answer to contain any part of yes, that you didn't want me to get too serious about you. So from that point on, I tried very hard not to let you see how I was feeling, because I was afraid that it would scare you away if you knew. [And I had no idea that I had succeeded at that so well until now, either.]

That idea was reinforced again when you started quizzing Tiki after you'd decided to move out (yes, she told me at the time) about whether I was seeing anyone else, whether I was serious, whether I'd broken up with David for you, etc. She didn't know the full extent of what I felt, but she definitely did know that you weren't just a fling where I was concerned. On hearing what you'd asked her, instead of entertaining the possibility that you were only trying to gauge how serious I was (as a means to possibly deciding whether or not to move forward yourself), I took the questions to mean that you were trying to reassure yourself that I hadn't fallen for you, and that I wasn't expecting anything from you. At the time I was actually very relieved that she hadn't let on how serious I really was about you, and that I would have been exclusive with you in a heartbeat - but now, I'm sorry that for all this time, you believed that you meant nothing to me. Especially when that could not have been farther from the truth.

And I didn't know enough about people in general, then, to know to listen to what your eyes and touch told me rather than what you actually said, or what I thought you meant by what you said. I didn't put any faith in the nonverbal things, because I couldn't be sure that I wasn't just imagining it, wasn't just projecting it because I wanted to believe it rather than because it was real. And all this time, that has been probably the one thing I have wanted to know above all else, whether it was all my imagination or whether there was some truth to it and I was just too afraid to risk believing in it. And it's one thing that you have at least partially answered already. :)

At the time I broke it off with you, it wasn't because I felt any less for you. Nor because I'd met someone else (I had, but it was very superficial and I knew even at the start that it wasn't going to go anywhere. All it did was provide me with an excuse, and help give me the resolve to stand my ground, but it didn't lessen my feelings for you). It was just born of frustration, in the end - frustration because I had pretty well convinced myself that I was a convenience for you, a physical outlet but nothing more, and never would be more. I squashed the inner voice that told me otherwise, again believing that it was speaking from a position of wishful thinking only, and not from the connection I'd always felt was there even though neither of us would acknowledge it to the other.

And, from your point of view, you've told me that the time wasn't right - and I think I already knew that on some level even then. But I didn't really have the life-experience then to understand at the gut level how difficult it is to make that choice, even when you think you know what it is that you want or when the choice (from an outside perspective) seems like it ought to be clear. It's very difficult to walk away from something you expected to last a lifetime, and the difficulty lies on many levels - some of which aren't necessarily even related to the other person. One is the loss of the dream itself - nobody gets married expecting it not to last, and we don't want to give up on the dream of happily ever after. Another is the complete shakeup of the world you know - it is frightening, to leave that haven, even when you're sure that your own future happiness absolutely depends on leaving it. It was for me as well, I actually cried when we walked out of the courtroom after my own divorce, even though I had no desire to go back and knew for certain that I was doing the right thing.

And my own lack of life-experience at the time (despite having been born almost with a feeling of being an 'old soul', innately seeming to understand even early on a lot of things that most people take a lifetime to learn) I think would also have been an obstacle to having a full relationship with you back then. Maybe not so much from your standpoint, but it would have been from mine - I would have never felt like I was on any kind of equal footing with you. And that is something that was always important to me. If there's any point in my life where the Rand influence shows itself, that's probably it - I always wanted to have/be a partner, never to be a dependent nor a superior. To me that has always seemed the greatest expression of love that someone can give - that you are with someone only because you have expressly chosen to be, rather than because you have any dependency or obligation (financial, emotional, whatever) to be. But that also resulted in a lot of misunderstandings over the years, because in pursuing that as an ideal, I failed to see that a partner needs to feel needed too. And oftentimes, that is where the idea that I was indifferent came from, because I never expressed any sort of need, even when I was feeling it. It's part of the same reason why I never expressed to you that I needed you, and is probably why you weren't sure about how I felt (despite very likely also getting the same somewhat conflicting nonverbal messages from me that I was getting from you - oh, how we managed to confuse both ourselves and each other between our actions and our words, eh?).

Oh, and one other thing...despite this age of communication that we live in, I'm all too aware that talking on the phone is pretty well out because cell phones record all incoming and outgoing numbers, and of course a land line would be long-distance. But I can provide you with an avenue for the latter, if you're ever in a position where you can call (and want to). I have a prepaid phone card that I rarely use, and it's got hours of domestic minutes left on it. The access # for it is 1-800-318-5996, and the PIN is 0308-434-9782. My home # is 850-457-1109, cell is 850-291-1006, and work is 850-452-7200 x4953.

Anyway, that's probably more than enough for now. I'll close it out with another song...maybe some Nanci Griffith, just because... ;)

Nanci Griffith - Friend Out In The Madness

I am not a child
Though you'll treat me as you've always seen me
You never saw the changes in a heart grown old and wise

Hey, it's good to see you smile
It's been so long between the pages
The wheels out on the highway, seem to laugh between my lines

Do you still want to know
Where does the love go, when it dies?
Hey, I want you to know
That love never dies
It is sheltered here, very safe inside
And it's left you with a friend out in the madness...

And you say you love me still
How your soul does change, and your heart still ponders
How I could grow fonder of a life out on my own

I still sing the harmony
I'll have another wine, and toast the madness
And howl out at your moon, on my way home alone

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